You stepped on my Shneck

I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I have been so depressed that it is hard enough just to get out of bed in the morning, much less come to my blog and try and be all nice and reader-friendly.  Well, fuck that.  I’m not in a friendly place right now and no one reads me anyway, I can be as negative as I want.  I lost my job a couple weeks ago.  It is a long story that I don’t want to get into right now, however I do feel like I was treated unfairly and was used as an example.  My actual work was never questioned, only some of my actions.  But this seemed to be the catalyst to open up a big can of worms, so to speak. 

Now I am feeling that there is no purpose in life, nothing to look forward to.  What’s the point?  And it isn’t all not having a job.  I just feel like the biggest loser ever, and I don’t know how to get past it.  I sit at home by myself all day and watch TV in my pajamas.  I haven’t been eating during the day, haven’t had the energy for it.  I haven’t been sleeping at night.  Most nights I will crawl out of bed after trying to sleep for an hour or so and watch some more mindless TV in the dark.  I cry a lot.  When AJ comes home from work I gather up every ounce of strength I have and try to put on a happy face and smile for him, try to be more of the person that I’m supposed to be for him.  I want to make him proud, not regret that he ever got mixed up with someone as messed up as me.  He can’t understand the way I’m feeling, no one can unless they have been in this bottomless pit.  My nails are broken and cracked just from trying to hang on, trying not to let myself fall down, down to the point of no return.  I just feel like I can’t do it anymore, I feel like I don’t have the strength to put one foot in front of the other.  I don’t know what to do or how to snap myself out of it. 

And it scares me.  With a history of depression and suicidal attempts, I know the danger signs.  With me, it is a change in sleep, loss of appetite, crying and getting unreasonably upset over the littlest things.  I can’t even check the mail without crying over the contents of it.  I feel bad for the people on talk shows, so I cry for them too.  I wander through my days feeling alone and hopeless.  I watched a documentary on eating disorders today, and the only thing I could think of was how I admire their commitment to themselves, that they have the willpower to control their bodies like that.  I guess because I feel so OUT of control.  I try to stop the tears from falling, but they keep coming.  I try to stop the negative thoughts I have, but they keep calling to me, whispering their sensual sentences in my ears. 

I just feel so hopeless, and I really want something good to finally happen.  I can count all the things that I have, how lucky I am to have a loving fiance and family, a nice place to live, a nice car to drive, my cats, my friends, but none of these things stop the feelings that I have.  I tell myself to snap out of it, but I just can’t.  I just can’t. 

Further evidence as to why I am A.) not a grown up and B.) am definitely not qualified to be a wife…

AJ told me this morning that he had to do the whole inside out, switch around with his boxers because I failed to do the laundry this weekend, or yesterday.  Usually he does the laundry, but he is on house arrest right now so he can’t go down to the laundry room.  I very nicely volunteered to take over this responsibility for the duration of his sentence.  (only 2 more weeks!!)  But obviously I can’t be trusted. 

Hey Internet, I have been meaning to write for a while but somehow, life always seems to get in the way.  That, and the fact that I can only update at work and I got in BIG trouble for being on the internet.  I’m on break right now, lest you worry about me being fired. 

 So, yeah… life.  Well, all the court stuff finally came to a head with AJ, and he ended up staying in the big house for seven days.  Actually, it was more like five and a half… whatever.  Now he is on house arrest.  All of this is from the same thing, that I wrote about before.  I feel horrible for him, because I feel like he got a whole bunch of shit for something that didn’t warrant it… yeah, he should have gotten in trouble, but geez.  I’m not going to elaborate, but I have lost all faith in the justice system following this thing.  I really, really have.  Maybe someday when I’m not limited to ten minutes I will explain.

 In the meantime… are you wondering about my wedding?  Sure, let’s just pretend.  Well, whatever you know is just about how much I know.  I had finally made up my mind to have the smaller, more low key wedding to save money to use for a sweet honeymoon, but now that we owe A GAZILLION DOLLARS to the state, things have kind of come to a screeching halt.  Tomorrow my parents are coming over and we are going to have the discussion… when to have the wedding, should we have it as planned, where should it be, who should pay what… that should be loads of fun.  Truthfully, I am so sick of thinking about all these details and trying to plan, and no one is ever happy, and I don’t know what I’m doing…. if it didn’t mean so much to so many people, I would just elope.  The only thing I’m totally sure of is that I want to get married to AJ, and I wish all this other shit wouldn’t get in the way. 

So there, even though I haven’t updated for a month you haven’t missed much.  A week where I would have whined and cried because AJ wasn’t home, another week where I freaked the fuck out about fines and deadlines, another week where I cried about my wedding… I just didn’t want to put you all through that. 

I’m nice like that sometimes.  I promise to try and write more. 

First things first, I haven’t updated on the whole family situaion that I wrote about last time.  I guess things are better, AJ worked some stuff out with his family and I tried my hardest to stay out of it, and that seemed to work for everyone.  I’m sure that this isn’t over, but for now it seems to have calmed down and that is all I can say about that.  On to my next dilemma…

I have been seriously thinking about my I mean, our, wedding.  We were planning on having the regular thing, the wedding in the church followed by large reception with catered food, DJ and open bar.  But we were talking the other day, and there is no way that we are going to be able to afford a honeymoon.  When AJ and I first announced our engagement, both sets of my parents (ie: mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom) offered to pay for a honeymoon for us if we didn’t want to do the whole big wedding.  At the time I blew them off, but upon further reflection I am seriously rethinking.  I talked to my dad the other day, and he suggested still getting married in the church, because that is very important to me for reasons a.) because I feel it is important to make that kind of commitment in front of God and a priest, b.) I just paid $50 to take a marriage class that allows me to get married in the church and c.) I really want to be able to wear my beautiful dress in the beautiful church.  Anyway, my dad said still do that, but then instead of having the huge reception just have people come over to my parent’s house and have a big (cheaper) party there.  We would have to scale down the guest list and just have the most important people there, and my dad said that he would fire up the BBQ and we could set up the stereo outside and just do that.  Then whatever money each side was going to spend on a reception could go to get AJ and I a kick ass honeymoon.

Okay, so obviously AJ wants to take the money and run.  I am leaning towards this, but I just really really don’t want to regret anything.  I don’t want to be 5o and saying, “I really wish we would have had a reception.”  My mom still talks about how she wishes she would have gone to her prom.  On the one hand, I want to have a great honeymoon and really, isn’t that the most fun part?  Also, AJ has never been anywhere in his life, and I would love to take him somewhere that would totally pamper him.  On the other hand, like I said, I don’t want to regret this decision and, I know it is shallow but hey, you don’t know me…  I don’t want people to think that we are trashy, having a wedding reception in the backyard with coolers of beer.  I know this shouldn’t matter, but it is my WEDDING and it does.  I’m only doing this one time!!

On the plus side it would eleviate alot of the planning that I have been putting off desperately… I am not a planner type of person.  I am not good at looking to the future, and so far the only thing I have booked is a reception hall.  I should have a hall, DJ, florist, caterer, photographer, videographer… and I don’t. 

I just don’t know what to do!!!  Internet gods, reach out to me and tell me what to do.  I can’t make this kind of decision on my own!!!  H E L P !!!! 

I have started this post a couple times and I still haven’t come up with the right words.  I just don’t understand why it is such a problem welding two families into one.  Shouldn’t it be easy?  If AJ and I get along, why wouldn’t we get along with the other’s family?

I have already mentioned the problems that I sometimes have with AJ’s family.  Now, to be fair, AJ has problems with my family too.  Mainly, that we are too close, too nosy, and too judgemental sometimes.  That’s cool… no one is going to like everything.  I mean, I have problems with AJ, too!  But now things are getting stormy on the front and I just don’t know what to do.  AJ is hurt, angry, and sad.  I don’t know what to do for hiim to make him feel better, or to make the situation better.  His sister called last night and left a nasty message, basically saying that AJ never helps them out and that he seems to be “in the ass” (and I am quoting directly here) or both me and my family.  First of all, I think it is okay for AJ and I to be “up each other’s asses”.  We are trying to start our own family together, we are getting married, and we are best friends, so why wouldn’t we be?  As far as my family goes, yes, they helped a lot when AJ was in jail and we were going through all this stuff.  But guess what– no one said that his family couldn’t try and help either.  Even if it wasn’t monitarily, they could have offered support in any number of different ways… but they didn’t.  AJ was really hurt about that, too.

So now I am in a really bad position.  I am really angry at his sister, because she hurt him, and anyone that hurts him is not okay with me.  But I can’t just go spouting off, because no matter what she is still his sister, and I don’t want to say anything that I may regret later.  I just hate watching him get taken advantage of.  I hate watching him second guess himself, wondering does he do enough?  Is he there for his family?  AJ is the most caring, kind, and thoughtful person I have ever met, and he is there whenever anyone needs him, including his sister.  In fact, last night she drove into her parking lot, stopped on the brakes that HE installed, turned off the radio and speakers that he also installed, sat down on the couch that he moved into her apartment, watched the TV that he hooked up that sits on the entertainment center that he put together, and maybe looked at the picture on the wall that he hung up. 

And the cause of all this?  Because for once, he had other plans when she called him and needed him to do her a favor.  And the reason my name got brought into it?  Because before me, he would have been right there no matter what, but I will not let him be taken advantage of.  People have other things to do!! 

I am just so mad and disillusioned.  I guess I thought we would all just melt into one big happy family, and obviously that was just naive of me.  I love them like I love my own family, but apparently there is still “us” and “them”.  Where does that leave AJ and I?  I don’t want to take sides, and I don’t want to cause any conflict, but I also don’t want him to get hurt more than he already is.

Any suggestions??? 

• I was in the breakroom at work this morning, and a new employee came in.  He greeted me with the biggest smile that I have ever seen, and it just broke my heart a little that he was so happy to be here, so early in the morning.  He had huge glasses (they always break my heart, I don’t know why) and was wearing a sweater vest.  After I basked in the smile, he turned away and I noticed a tuft of hair sticking up off his otherwise perfectly flattened down hair.  I had to resist the urge to smooth it down.
• There was a bat in the hallway.  A real, flying bat!  I was trying to see what the commotion was when all of a sudden it flew right by me, and I am ashamed to say that I screeched and ran down the hall- NOT in the opposite direction of the bat, but towards it.  Thankfully, there were about twelve other women running in the same direction, and the bat got confused and ran into the wall.  Our friendly maintenance man shooed it into a paper bag.
• This morning, AJ was reaching out to get something off the coffee table, and he underestimated the distance between where he was standing and where the table actually was, and he fell right over onto his face.  I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.  It wasn’t a good way to start his day, but I looooove to start my day with a good laugh.  Thanks AJ.
• Everyone at work is calling me “BallWasher” or BW for short, because I told them that when AJ was in jail, he had to get showered off and a man held up his package to spray underneath.  Apparently everyone here thinks this should be my permanent job.

Life has, once again, taken an unexpected turn.  To start at the beginning, we must go back to the year 2003.  AJ and I were newly dating, and things were all rosy and wonderful, as they tend to be when you first meet the love of your life.  We had just moved in to our first apartment together.  One hot summer night, AJ went to a party with some friends.  I was a waitress at the time, and could not go with him as I was working late, so he went by himself.  I got home around 12 or so, and was expecting him to be home shortly after.  Time went by, and by, and by and suddenly it was 4 in the morning, I was hysterical, and there was no sign of AJ.  The phone rang at about 4:45, and a mechanical recorded voice asked me if I would accept a collect call from ** County Jail.  I tearfully agreed, and then there was AJ’s voice, assuring me that everything was okay but he was in an accident and had gotten arrested.  Arrested!!  I grew up in the most whitebread, boring community where nothing ever happened.  The worst trouble I had ever gotten into did not involve police, only my parents.  Blah blah, long story short… when AJ was in the accident, he had a six pack of beer on the seat next to him.  His car rolled over three times and he got ejected out of the sunroof.  When he woke up he was up to his ears in a mud puddle and covered in beer.  He doesn’t really remember what happened after that, because he had a concussion.  The police did not give him a sobriety test, but assumed he was drunk because of the beer bottles scattered around the accident scene.  Oh, and did I mention his liscense was suspended at this time, too?  (lack of insurance) 

Well, AJ got out of jail, had his head stitched up, and things went back to normal.  I didn’t think to question what happened NOW, because like I said, I had never been in this type of situation and was very naive.  I never thought to ask AJ if there was anything else that he needed to be taking care of.

Cut to this year, last week, Tuesday night around 7:45.  AJ ran to the store and to pick up some dinner.  I was sitting on the couch watching E! News when a loud pounding came from the door.  I thought that maybe AJ has forgotten his house keys… imagine my surprise when I opened the door and saw two police officers!  They asked if AJ was home, and I stammered out No, he went to the store.  They asked what kind of car he was driving, where he went, when he was coming back…. Being completely freaked out, I gave them information that they probably didn’t even need ( “He is wearing his blue coat, the one my parents got for him a couple Christmas times ago, he really looks cute in it…”).  The police waited for AJ to drive down our road and they pulled him over.  He had a warrant for his arrest from the prior accident, because he NEVER BOTHERED TO GO BACK TO COURT.  They pulled him out at gunpoint and cuffed him, and took him to the county where the accident was, which conviniently was about two hours away.  I called my mom in hysterics and told her to get over here RIGHT NOW!  She was there in ten minutes, and by the time I collected myself and got outside, she was trying to convince the police not to tow my car.  They didn’t listen. 

AJ remained in jail for two days, because at the first court hearing he requested a court appointed attorney and you have to wait a day on that.  I cried for two days, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, didn’t even watch American Idol.  Lots of phone calls were made, to various attornies and courthouses and the jail.  I think that everyone at ** County Jail hates my mom and I, because we called them at least a million times to ask really stupid questions, like if AJ needed underwear.  My mom tried to preface the stupid questions by telling them that we had never done this before, but I still think they were annoyed.  I think this because AJ told us that an officer came to his cell, handed him a piece of paper, and said, “Call your mother-in-law NOW or we are going to go arrest her too.”  My mom had even inquired if she might bake a cake to take to AJ in jail.  (she reverts to food and food making in times of extreme stress).  She explained to the police that she would never put anything in a cake, like those people on the movies, but they didn’t budge.  No cake for the inmates.

AJ was released on a PR bond.  He was found to make too much money to get a court appointed attorney.  (How is this possible, when we don’t even have a pot to piss in, is beyond me)  We are in the process of securing a lawyer from ** county… in fact, we are dropping $500 that we don’t have off to them this weekend. 

So things have been in an uproar.  At first I was really mad at AJ, like ready to pack my stuff and give back the ring mad, but everyone makes mistakes and he is just too good of a person and I love him too much.  Thick and thin, right?  Yeah, he messed up big time, but he is trying his hardest to make it right.  He has made it to all of the court appearances, made many, many apologies to me, profusely thanked my parents, worked overtime to get more money… I’m not mad anymore.  I’m so glad to have him back next to me at night that I can’t harbor any bad feelings.  It was only 2 days but I missed him so much.  We are trying our hardest to do the right thing and make it right.  The thing I am worried about the most is the money.  I know there will be astronomical fines to pay, and I just don’t know where that is coming from.  If he has to go back to jail for a sentence, that is missed work and income.  Attorney fees, court costs, fines… I don’t know. 

I do know that we have made it through worse than this and I have faith that we will make it through this too.  I know it.  My family has been wonderful and supportive… my grandma even sent us a card that had sunshines and glitter on it, telling us to “hang in there”, which I thought was just the sweetest thing because who else would send you a jail card but your grandma.  My parent’s have helped some with the money situation.  My grandpa has called attornies.  His family… well, that is a whole nother long story, and I think I’ve rambled enough now. 

He still looked cute, even in his little green prison jump suit.  I’ll keep him. 

I checked out Pearl Jam’s “Greatest Hits from 1990-2000″ and as I sit here listening to it, I am thinking of my teenage self holed up in my room, Eddie Vedder wailing, writing obscure poetry and wearing thick black eyeliner, my Doc Marten’s propped up on the bed, flannel shirt over my STP t-shirt, thinking that only Eddie understands me. 

I know, I am a very lax blog writer, but we won’t get into that again.  I would like to share with you some of my favorite moments from this lovely Christmas weekend.

~ When we moved out of our last apartment, a bunch of our stuff got thrown away by accident.  This stuff included every single Christmas decoration we had.  I was upset about everything being gone, but being the sentimental soul that I am, I was most upset about this ornament that AJ and I had purchased during our first Christmas together, which said aptly enough “First Christmas Together 2003″ on it.  I remember telling AJ “I was going to show that to our grandchildren!”  Anyway, long intro for a simple story… AJ ordered that exact ornament from EBay and gave it to me Christmas morning.  I promptly burst into tears.

~ Upon arrival at my parent’s house, my brother answered the door wearing silk pajama bottoms, a white tank top, and an extremely large periwinkle robe.  It was my mom’s, but my brother told me it was “too comfortable” to take off, so he greeted all the guests in all his purple fuzzy glory.

~ A family friend called from Pheonix, and we all yelled “We hate you!” to him because he was sipping a Pina Colada by the pool, and definitely not wearing a reindeer sweater.

~ My best friend in the whole world got engaged, and I totally approve of the guy, so we are all happy.

~ My six year old nephew received an electric guitar and was seranading us all night.  My favorite?  A little diddy about his parent’s, who are involved in a messy divorce.  It goes something like this “My dad was married to my mom, then they got divorced, because my dad is a liar!  Liar, liar, liar!” with emphatic strumming on the guitar.  Do you laugh at something like this or not?  I hid behind my champagne glass.  His mother hissed, “He gave him that thing on purpose because he knew it would be at my house!” but we couldn’t really hear her over the sounds of the guitar. 

~ For the very first time ever, this nephew, who is really AJ’s nephew, called me “Aunt.”  I really think he just wanted me to play air hockey with him, but I love this kid like he is my own and that meant the world to me. 

~ AJ’s sister SCREAMED in delight at the top of her lungs when she opened her gift from us (new speakers for her car). 

~ AJ wore every new item for at least fifteen minutes of the day… he would get something else and change.  He wore three pairs of shoes over an eight hour period.

~ At the end of the night, AJ and I relaxed on the couch together in the glow of the Christmas tree, and I realized that no matter what the stress or anxiety I have over the holiday, this is all that I really need. 

Hi, I have a blog!  And I haven’t been here in a while, but I have Reasons.  They are, in no certain order, that I finally got in trouble for being on the Internet all the time at work and they are monitoring my use and I don’t have a computer at home, that all of a sudden all of this stress started pouring down on us, and that I am lazy, as already evidenced by me.  So there are my excuses, take it or leave it, but hey, no one really comes here anyway so really, what does it matter?

So anyway, get on with it D.  I wanted to tell you just ONE of the reasons why I love AJ so much, and why I am making him the luckiest man in the world by marrying him.  Ha!  Little joke, don’t write me mean comments about how I don’t deserve him.  Well, a couple of weeks ago we recieved some very bad financial news.  A couple bills that we were not counting on popped up, and they were WAY more than we could afford.  Plus, you know, there is this whole big thing called Christmas coming up, too.  So I freaked the fuck out, as I am known to do, and I cried about how we weren’t going to be able to have Christmas, we weren’t even going to have cable on the morning that we didn’t have presents, and we were going to be evicted anyway so none of that stuff mattered.  But AJ, god bless him, stepped up.  He put his arm around me and assured me that nothing bad would happen to us, that he would take care of me and I shouldn’t worry.  That sweet man has been working 12 hour shifts for the past two weeks, 12 hour shifts 5 days a week as well as 8 hours on Saturday.  Tonight, I came down to bring him dinner and he had this cute little area set up with plates and napkins on boxes.  He apologized for not having any candles. 

And that, my friends, is just one of the reasons that I love that man so much.