I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I have been so depressed that it is hard enough just to get out of bed in the morning, much less come to my blog and try and be all nice and reader-friendly. Well, fuck that. I’m not in a friendly place right now and no one reads me anyway, I can be as negative as I want. I lost my job a couple weeks ago. It is a long story that I don’t want to get into right now, however I do feel like I was treated unfairly and was used as an example. My actual work was never questioned, only some of my actions. But this seemed to be the catalyst to open up a big can of worms, so to speak.
Now I am feeling that there is no purpose in life, nothing to look forward to. What’s the point? And it isn’t all not having a job. I just feel like the biggest loser ever, and I don’t know how to get past it. I sit at home by myself all day and watch TV in my pajamas. I haven’t been eating during the day, haven’t had the energy for it. I haven’t been sleeping at night. Most nights I will crawl out of bed after trying to sleep for an hour or so and watch some more mindless TV in the dark. I cry a lot. When AJ comes home from work I gather up every ounce of strength I have and try to put on a happy face and smile for him, try to be more of the person that I’m supposed to be for him. I want to make him proud, not regret that he ever got mixed up with someone as messed up as me. He can’t understand the way I’m feeling, no one can unless they have been in this bottomless pit. My nails are broken and cracked just from trying to hang on, trying not to let myself fall down, down to the point of no return. I just feel like I can’t do it anymore, I feel like I don’t have the strength to put one foot in front of the other. I don’t know what to do or how to snap myself out of it.
And it scares me. With a history of depression and suicidal attempts, I know the danger signs. With me, it is a change in sleep, loss of appetite, crying and getting unreasonably upset over the littlest things. I can’t even check the mail without crying over the contents of it. I feel bad for the people on talk shows, so I cry for them too. I wander through my days feeling alone and hopeless. I watched a documentary on eating disorders today, and the only thing I could think of was how I admire their commitment to themselves, that they have the willpower to control their bodies like that. I guess because I feel so OUT of control. I try to stop the tears from falling, but they keep coming. I try to stop the negative thoughts I have, but they keep calling to me, whispering their sensual sentences in my ears.
I just feel so hopeless, and I really want something good to finally happen. I can count all the things that I have, how lucky I am to have a loving fiance and family, a nice place to live, a nice car to drive, my cats, my friends, but none of these things stop the feelings that I have. I tell myself to snap out of it, but I just can’t. I just can’t.
